Hi-
I am 27 yrs. old and have been married for close to a year in April. My husband (36) and I were together for 9yrs before we finally got married- we never lived together. During our relationship we had to face many obstacles, he was older, I was just going away to college, he was a new face in a new country, etc etc. The biggest one though, has been, that as the older brother of a fatherless home (father died when he was little) ever since he was a child, he assumed the responsibilities of the male figure. He helps support his mother, has supported his brother (30yrs), practically raised his younger sister (21yrs)- to the point where she calls him dad- and they have a father daughter relationship. He also has a middle sister (27) who got married, and had kids. He has always been involved in their lives, talks to them 3 to 4 times a day. He doesn’t just offer that emotional support but also economically, helped them educate and raise them. This is all a very good quality in a man.

When we first started dating, I was very young and he treated me like a queen- I must clarify that when we met, he was on his own and they were apart- primarily because he had moved to this country reaching a better future so that he could provide for them better.

A few years later, he was able to bring his family (brother and younger sister) to live with him in the US. Our relationship suffered a drastic change- the weekend getaways stopped, phone calls in the middle of our dates began, less couple privacy, etc, he was totally consumed with their lives and their adjustments. I tried to be a trooper and adjust, since I was just his girlfriend and I was in college all through out these years. But many times, we argued and fought about him not setting limits and at times making me feel neglected.

After I graduated college, things calmed down a little, his brother was working on his own, and his sister was beginning college, but they still lived with him. I got a job, and moved out to another city, we continued our relationship, and then he asked me to marry him. I love him and we did- I was very cautious about this situation, but I felt like we had a chance because things were moving along.With some understanding from my part and some responsibility for our own relationship from his part, I figured we would be ok.

We got married a year later. He moved to my city with me. and we were getting our lives together as a couple and trying to start a marriage. Just as I thought we were in our way to our independence as a couple- his other sister’s husband and two daughters passed away in a horrible car accident. This is fairly recent and very painful. We (him,me and his family) traveled to them, to support her during this time, it was very hard. I had to return to the states because of my job and he stayed- he hasn’t had a steady job in this city yet- so he didnt have the urgency to return. Its been a little over a month since this happened, he is still there. He is giving his family support through this tragic time. It was such a big loss.

Although I am in pain because of what happened (the most devastating situation I have every seen), and our time apart, I am now more and more concerned about our future as a couple. Now, there is his sister and a 2 yr old that need his support emotionally and economically, plus his mom and college age sister.

He is totally devastated, every time I speak with him, he says he doesn’t know what he is going to do with his life. He is in so much pain and surrounded by so much pain- I don’t even dare to ask him when he thinks he will be back. He tells me he is all out of hope and faith and although I know this pain is great for him, it also tears me apart to feel like our marriage is not even going to be able to get started. He is running around over there helping get things situated for his sister and niece- her husband left many legal issues pending, processes that need to be waited out. I don’t know what to do, I feel so lonely and my mother has already began questioning his commitment to our marriage and when when when when is he coming back.

I know he is coming back, but it may be weeks, months? until he does, I don’t know. Although he is not working, he is being responsible with our bills and we are working out our payments etcs…pulling money from our savings. I am so depressed about all of this- its starting to get to me physically. I feel guilt- because I know there is someone suffering more then me, than him, than anyone and that is his sister. Yet am so anxious and worried about our future- feeling his neglect toward me and our young marriage.

Please help me I need some light? I don’t even know what to think or feel.

I’ve been a member of this site for a few years now, and this is one of the most difficult situations I’ve ever read about on here. Though I’ve never been in a situation such as yours, I certainly sympathize with what you’re going through.

Your husband is totally torn between his two families, in two different countries. And I can understand both your point of view and his. On one hand this is a compliment to you, because he’s choosing to be with the women who aren’t as independent and need him more. On the other hand, it feels like he doesn’t respect the commitment in marriage and that you – his wife – are second choice.

All I can suggest is that you wait it out. Forcing him to come back to the US and to you before he feels emotionally ready to do so is just going to cause problems between you and him. You have to realize this could take months. I know your first year of marriage should be all rainbows and lollipops, but that just wasn’t in the cards for you guys.

Figuring out a way to get through this in separate countries is only going to make your marriage stronger if you can find a way to see through it. If you were together nine years, I’m sure you faced all sorts of obstacles before and came out with a good relationship that you then cemented in marriage.

You have to realize that aside from what’s going on with his family, it’s taking a toll on him. The only solution I can see is for you to just continue standing in the wings until his international half of the family is back on track. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less or is any less devoted.

He must come from a culture that puts a great amount of emphasis on family. Be there to support him as much as you can. Get yourselves on Skype so that you can web chat on a regular basis. Tell him how much you love him and wish that he was with you.

You know the saying "if you love it, let it go"? I think that’s what you need to do here. In the meantime, lean on your friends and family for help. When you feel alone without him, then call up your Mom or another friend to help you. Don’t let them put thoughts in your head questioning his devotion. That’s not fair, and that’s a very easy deduction to make by someone on the outside looking in.

Hang in there, and he’ll come back when he’s ready. Be thankful for what you have, and think about the first night you’ll spend together in his arms when he returns.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 27th, 2010 at 3:43 am and is filed under couples advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.